For the past week or so, it's seemed like just "one of those days" for this household. Our day-to-day operations are still running smoothly and happily, but some of our "waiting for God" moments have been discouraging. I've been thinking a lot in this new year about the idea of God being good. In my head, I know that God is good. Period. No matter what. But I've been struggling with living that out in my journey with Christ.
I was raised by a mother who was raised in a "buck up" family. I've realized as I've gotten older that I have inherited many of those traits from her. And I'm incredibly, genuinely thankful for that! But I've also learned about myself that it has tended to make me feel entitled with God.
When Steve broke his hip (it's been one of our only "hardships), I didn't feel like I was tapping into some super-God-strength, I just handled it, because that's what you do. I remember having two different moments in the hospital where I sat on the floor outside of Steve's room and cried at the what-if's. After that, I was fine. Steve came home and slept downstairs in a hospital bed for four months. And we survived just fine. We made it work, and ended up actually loving those months together.
When we lost the second baby last year, I don't mean to over-simplify or forget our pain. It was terrible. And with the new year happening, there's been a lot of calls to "remember" and "think back", which has brought back some emotions of the last year. For the most part, though, Steve and I feel healed. I don't say that to belittle our experience or belittle the pain of those friends and family who mourned that baby right along with us, but it's my natural personality to move on and keep going.
Which brings me to the last few weeks. We have been doing a lot of waiting lately. If I were completely honest, there are times when I feel like God owes me for my pain. It sounds so ridiculous to see it written down and say it out loud, but I know it's how I honestly feel. I struggle with thinking that God owes me another baby right away. And God owes me a new house. Not just a new house, but the exact one that I've wanted for months. And God owes me the kind of education I want for Bella.
And I really want just one of those things to be easy! For the record, none of them have been easy.
So that's where I am today. Do I believe that God is good no matter what? Even if our "suffering" isn't over? Even if I believe that I've done the whole suffering thing, and now I'm ready to be blessed. Will I believe that God is good even if His idea of blessings is different than mine?
I don't have a quick and easy answer for those questions. Mostly because I'm still human and I still want my blessings, which struggles with the Spirit inside of me Who's teaching me that God is blessing me abundantly, even as I sit here and type this.
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