Can I Just Spill A Little Of My Crazy?

I don't know if there are other women who do this (Please, God, let there be other women who do this!), but in a perfect world, I would "plan" my babies. In my perfect world, I would not have had Bella and Evelyn in the same month, because that just seems redundant - I already have a baby born in April; why would I want a second one born in April? Pick another month.

 

Do you see why they call it crazy?

 

Which brings us to the potential, yet-to-be-conceived baby that isn't currently growing in my womb.

 

The two pregnancies that happened last year were very much a surprise. I mean, okay, I'm not a moron; we were having unprotected sex (Mom, hopefully, you can scrub that mental picture from your brain.), so a baby was always a possibility, but it took us a year with both Bella and Evelyn before we got pregnant. Most of that was due to inconsistent periods, no clue when I was ovulating, and a bunch of other boring details.

 

The moral of the story is, when we got pregnant twice within five months without even trying, we were really surprised.

 

After we lost both babies, we were told by the doctor and midwife to wait a couple of months/cycles to let your body get back to normal. We lost Lily in August, so December was four months. The ironic thing is that, ever since Lily, my periods have come every single month like clockwork. That has never happened since I got my first period at thirteen! As a teenager, I once skipped my period for an entire year! The doctor said nothing was wrong; I just had a weird system. (Thanks for that, doc.)

 

Here's where my crazy kicks in...I've always wanted our third baby to be born in the Fall. The girls and I all have Spring birthdays, Steve's is in October, and no one likes having their birthday in the Summer when school's out, so the Fall seemed perfect. So basically, the exact month that the doctors gave us the go-ahead to start trying is also the same month that I wanted to get pregnant in order to have a Fall baby. And it's this month! THIS MONTH! Which means I've become a freakish expert on my cycle, peak ovulation days, things about fluid that I can't say in public, and the phases of the moon (kidding).

 

This all sounds like a great plan, but then there's the waiting.

 

Oh my word, guys, t...h...e...w...a...a...a...a...a...i...t...i...n...g......

 

The waiting may kill me and cause me to go certifiably crazy this month! Even though it's still too early to test - and I know! Why would I do that to myself when I know I'll just be disappointed - I have probably peed on 12 sticks in the last two weeks. Twelve sticks!!! And obviously, since I didn't title this blog post "We're Pregnant!", they've come back negative. Each little "no" in the window is another disappointment. And the "crazy" comes in, because I know it's too early to test, and I know this doesn't mean we won't ever get pregnant, and I know I should just stop buying tests, but I CAN'T STOP PEEING ON STICKS!!!

 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!