Have Thine Own Way, Lord?

I was driving home from a meeting on Sunday afternoon and started mindlessly humming, Have Thine Own Way, Lord. It's a beautiful old hymn, so I was singing through the first verse a couple of times when I stopped to think: do I really want Him to have His own way?

 

With a new house and a new job, you would think that I'd be the last person to question God's blessings, but I still struggle with this voice in the back of my head that wants to ask, "Why don't we have a baby yet?" I was so sure we would get pregnant in January. I have an app on my phone (And you know those can't be wrong! Sarcasm.) that tracks my periods and ovulation, and tells me my most fertile days. The theory is, as long as you plan your "alone time" accordingly, you should get pregnant, right? Well, it didn't work. I started my period today (SIX DAYS LATE!!! Let me tell you how crazy THAT will make you!), so I finally know for sure that whatever awesome, baby-making plan we thought we had, didn't work.

 

No matter all of the things we tell ourselves about trusting God, trusting His timing, knowing we'll get pregnant eventually, Steve and I still ache for a baby. It's like there's a part of us that's just waiting for us to get pregnant, so we can hit the "restart" button on this last year. We don't think about it all the time, but Sundays seem to always bring it back. I'm not sure why.

 

So that's where I've been lately. Questioning God's plan and resenting His call for us to wait. I know He is beyond strong enough to handle my doubting, and I know that some of my darkest moments are due to emotions and not my knowledge of God's promises. So for now, I'm just...here. Wanting more than anything to be pregnant, praying for God to give us courage, faith, and trust to wait.