Trying To Heal

Sometimes I feel okay and sometimes I feel like I'm this thing that's broken. For the most part, my days are normal. I have the girls and things to do. At night, though, I've been really emotional. I'll get into bed with Steve and just start crying. Sometimes it's about the baby and sometimes I'm crying because I'm just tired of feeling sad.

One of my girlfriends texted me Psalm 34:18. It was a huge encouragement, and when I went to look it up again, I found The Message version, "If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath." How incredible is that? "Kicked in the gut" is a perfect way to describe this experience. God is helping me catch my breath.

I sometimes find it really difficult to view God as someone who wants to shower me with blessings (that's a "therapy post" for another day), but I've been so thankful that I haven't experienced any anger or bitterness. (I've been warned that it could still come, so we'll see.) I don't believe that everything happens for a spiritual reason. I believe that God knows everything and I believe He allows things to happen, but I don't believe He scheduled me to lose a baby so that He could teach me some greater lesson. Does that make sense? Hopefully, I'm not creating my own theology here. I'm not trying to overstep my bounds or my God, I'm just trying to explain how I feel.

 I feel sad. And broken. And subdued, like someone turned my volume down. I mourn for what could have been and for the pain I see in Steve's eyes when he watches me cry. I know we will heal. We are healing. Life with two little girls means life goes on. And that's exactly how it should be. Last night was the first time since this all happened that I didn't cry. And it felt so good to not cry. To just lay next Steve, turn the light out, and feel normal.

This weekend, he and I are heading to Athens, and the girls are staying here with Mel. It was a trip we had scheduled already, but the timing is perfect. I can't think of something more restorative right now than having a few days alone with Steve to just enjoy each other and rest. 

We know we are being covered in prayer by family and friends, and we have felt it every step of the way. I have been so thankful to talk to women in our family and group of friends that have experienced the same thing. It was like, hearing their experience made me feel like I had permission to feel what I was feeling. I have no idea if that makes sense, but I've been thankful for it anyway.

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty."

Psalm 91:1