My Truth

There is something that I have to get out: I feel called to missions. I don't know exactly when it started, and I don't know what it means for me or my family, but it is a deep, pulling desire inside of me. And I struggle with it. I struggle because I'm comfortable here. I love my life. I love my beautiful home, my social calendar, and my safe, practical budget. I am a girl who likes knowing what's ahead. I like already knowing that I want to get Bella a tricycle for her 3rd birthday. I like knowing that I already have a name picked out for Baby #2, who hasn't even been conceived yet.

But deep inside of my soul, there is a feeling that I have pushed down so many times I have lost count. It is the feeling that living in this predictable, comfortable suburb is wrong. I just feel like I'm not doing anything here. Like all of my "ministry" efforts are worthless. I'm terrified of getting to the end of my life and thinking, "I could have given so much more!" This is in no way a pat on my own back. There are hundreds of women who are called to be Salt and Light in there own neighborhoods. In fact, I know that I am called to be Salt and Light in my own neighborhood. But I also can't deny the feeling, the belief, that I have been called to something different.

I want to challenge God and see Him deliver a hundred times over. Do I really need God now? I mean, in my head, I know I do, but would my life really look any different if I didn't believe in Him? I'd like to think it would. I'd like to think that all of the time spent in my church building has been for His kingdom, but sometimes I wonder if it has been for His kingdom or my own social network. My friends are at church. Would I love it as much if they weren't there?

I'm not looking to missions to make me feel better about myself. And my honest confession is that I fail miserably at telling people about God right where I'm at. I am naturally cynical and judgmental , and struggle to view people as "lost". But I know that's wrong, and I'm striving to grow, and change. I'm striving to spend more time in God's word; to learn to look at other people like He does. I don't think moving to a foreign mission field would suddenly make me bolder to the gospel. But I can't shake this longing to be more active in my faith. I have long believed that Christians hide behind the idea of being "called" to missions. I think it is very simple: if you're a Christian, you've been called. Some people are called to do it right here; some are called to go other places. I believe I've been called to go.

I just don't know what that means. Being married, I believe you can never go wrong as a wife if you are submitting to your husband. And please don't misunderstand me, I don't believe in any way that my husband is holding me back. But ministry can only work if you're united in ministry and I wouldn't be doing anyone any favors if I skipped that whole "submit" thing and dragged my husband to another country because of what "I wanted to do." I don't believe that God would send one of us and not the other. Maybe this desire is a test from God to teach me to be patient and calm my spirit and trust in the heart of my husband.

I don't know where the middle ground is. I feel caught between the comfortable feelings of loving mommy groups and playdates and Chick-fil-A; the self-righteous ego that chaffs and scoffs at volunteering in ministries that I feel are pointless; and a true desire to serve God in a bigger way and tell others about Him.

Honestly, I'm scared. I'm scared that God will one day give me exactly what I desire and lay it on my husband's heart to go. I'm scared to leave family and friends for a strange place. I'm scared at what that would mean for financial security, retirement, and putting kids through college. But I'm also scared to do nothing. To just sit and wait and hope that everything turns out all right. I really know so little about the suffering of other people in the world; about the true lostness of other countries. I can only pray and trust that God has me here for exactly the right "season." That when God lays a ministry on both Steve's and my heart that we'll have the courage to say "yes" and go. And also, that God will give me that same courage when I see a person hurting in WalMart who needs His love right now.