Trying To Heal

Sometimes I feel okay and sometimes I feel like I'm this thing that's broken. For the most part, my days are normal. I have the girls and things to do. At night, though, I've been really emotional. I'll get into bed with Steve and just start crying. Sometimes it's about the baby and sometimes I'm crying because I'm just tired of feeling sad.

One of my girlfriends texted me Psalm 34:18. It was a huge encouragement, and when I went to look it up again, I found The Message version, "If your heart is broken, you’ll find God right there; if you’re kicked in the gut, he’ll help you catch your breath." How incredible is that? "Kicked in the gut" is a perfect way to describe this experience. God is helping me catch my breath.

I sometimes find it really difficult to view God as someone who wants to shower me with blessings (that's a "therapy post" for another day), but I've been so thankful that I haven't experienced any anger or bitterness. (I've been warned that it could still come, so we'll see.) I don't believe that everything happens for a spiritual reason. I believe that God knows everything and I believe He allows things to happen, but I don't believe He scheduled me to lose a baby so that He could teach me some greater lesson. Does that make sense? Hopefully, I'm not creating my own theology here. I'm not trying to overstep my bounds or my God, I'm just trying to explain how I feel.

 I feel sad. And broken. And subdued, like someone turned my volume down. I mourn for what could have been and for the pain I see in Steve's eyes when he watches me cry. I know we will heal. We are healing. Life with two little girls means life goes on. And that's exactly how it should be. Last night was the first time since this all happened that I didn't cry. And it felt so good to not cry. To just lay next Steve, turn the light out, and feel normal.

This weekend, he and I are heading to Athens, and the girls are staying here with Mel. It was a trip we had scheduled already, but the timing is perfect. I can't think of something more restorative right now than having a few days alone with Steve to just enjoy each other and rest. 

We know we are being covered in prayer by family and friends, and we have felt it every step of the way. I have been so thankful to talk to women in our family and group of friends that have experienced the same thing. It was like, hearing their experience made me feel like I had permission to feel what I was feeling. I have no idea if that makes sense, but I've been thankful for it anyway.

"He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High
    will rest in the shadow of the Almighty."

Psalm 91:1

My 30th Birthday

I have been so excited to turn 30, but for obvious reasons, my birthday (which was last Sunday) did not go as planned. The weekend of celebration was going to include a sister date downtown on Friday night, a party with some friends on Saturday, and a double-date dinner with Trey and Whitney on Sunday night. 

After a rough Friday night and Saturday morning, the party was cancelled and we just laid low instead. I got to sit on the couch and read, which is something I never do anymore. It was actually really relaxing. We did presents on Saturday night, which included some fun shopping money, so Mel and I got to go shopping on Sunday afternoon. At first, I honestly didn't want to go shopping, but it ended up being good sister time and a nice distraction.

By Sunday night, we were feeling a little more stable and decided to go ahead with our double-date. In the three years or so that we've been good friends, we've never gone out to a restaurant with Trey and Whitney without the kids! Between six kids, coordinating schedules, and aligning budgets, it's just never worked. The time out with Trey and Whitney was such an incredible blessing and just a fun time! We were able to talk and laugh, and a little Asian woman sang "Happy Birthday" after bringing me a creme brulee with a candle stuck in the middle!

Mel and Steve didn't try to make it something it wasn't; we all agreed that this was a sucky birthday, but we still had fun, spent time together, and smiled. I told Steve he owes me a massive surprise party next year!

Grieving.

We lost the baby last Friday.

I don't really have the words to share all of the emotions we've gone through between then and now. When I realized what was happening, I called Steve and told him what I thought. Then I called my mom and sobbed. I hadn't even gotten off the toilet yet. 

And that's it. For the next three days, there were moments of indescribable sorrow, numbness, and even laughter. Friends offered to come and get the girls, but they have been a source of both great distraction and great healing. 

Physically, I think I'm healing the way I'm supposed to. The cramping has become pretty minimal, and I was early enough in the pregnancy that I didn't need to go to the hospital. Emotionally, I don't even know. Sunday night was the first time I felt normal since Friday morning. It was good to feel the urge to putter around the house and clean. 

Monday has been a little harder simply because I'm alone with the girls. I returned some maternity clothes and it was a really rough experience. I probably should have waited to tackle that particular errand, but I just wanted the clothes to be done with.

It's overwhelming to think what we've experienced and processed in only three days. Friends and family have been amazing, and God has sustained us. I have no idea what the next few weeks will feel like. I'm tired and drained, but also able to be happy and getting back to normal. I think Steve feels the same way - drained, but getting back to normal.

 Sadness still comes suddenly, but it doesn't stay as long. We are healing.

Deputy Steve

Steve has a new job! No, it's not actually with the Sheriff's Office and he doesn't get to wear a badge, although I'm seriously considering buying him a fake one just for fun!

It's been a few months in the making, but Steve is going to be working for the Federal Reserve. I am so proud of him!!! He accepted the position at his current bank because the raise allowed me to stay home without watching any children. It has been an amazing blessing to be able to stay home with just the girls! 

When he was contacted by the Fed, changing jobs wasn't even on our radar, but the opportunity is incredible! This is the job that Steve has really wanted. It's a fantastic career move and allows him to do something other than work with foreclosures. He hasn't been unhappy at his current job, but he's really excited to do something other than tell people that he's taking their business. It's just not a very pleasant environment.

There is the certainty of travel with this job, but we're not sure how much. He'll be traveling with a team to audit banks around the Southeast. Each assignment will take two weeks with him coming home on the weekends. The travel could be up to 50% of the time, which means he would be gone for two weeks each month. We're praying that it ends up being much less, but we'll have to see how it goes. We're going in with our eyes as wide open as they can be. He's never had to travel, so there's no way to really prepare for what life could look like.

One of my prayers has been for his new team. I believe every wife has the responsibility to pray for her husband and the people he comes in contact with. We found out that the team he'll be on is the only all-male team in his entire department! That was a wonderful praise for peace of mind. Not to assume that any woman on his team would act inappropriately, but it's nice to know that the temptation will not even be there.

Our biggest blessing by far has been Steve's current boss' reaction to the news that he was leaving. Steve was really nervous about this because his bank had just gone through an audit from the Federal Reserve and it was definitely an us-versus-them mentality. Plus, everyone is slammed with work right now and he was concerned about leaving them hanging with the additional workload from his portfolio. His talk with his boss could not have gone better! Dallas (yep, his boss' name is Dallas...so awesome) stood up to shake his hand and say congratulations. Dallas is a Christian, too, and he praised Steve for being such an example for Christ in the workplace. He said that Steve could call him anytime as a reference or just to chat as a friend. Seriously!!! How great is that!?! It was such an answer to our prayers!

I am so incredibly proud of him and so thankful for the ways God has protected him throughout his career. Steve is such a humble man and has an incredible work ethic. He absolutely gets that from his parents and it's a wonderful legacy to pass on to his own children! Monday started the beginning of his last two weeks at State Bank. Next weekend, we're taking a trip away for a few days as a late-birthday-and-hooray-the-job-is-over celebration.

I am so thankful for the man I married! Go get 'em, tiger!

I'm about 90% sure that this is not what Steve will be wearing at the Federal Reserve, but really, how totally awesome would it be if he got to wear a badge and a gun? Or a mask! 

(I have to go now, because I'm laughing all by myself in my bedroom.)

A Monster Got Me Over The Hump

I am a verbal processor. (No surprise here, huh?) Steve has been so amazing the last couple of weeks as we talked and imagined and sighed and processed. There have been moments when I all I wanted to do was talk about this baby and moments when I didn't even want to think about it.

Little by little, though, reality is setting in. I think, based on my initial response, Steve has been surprised at how quickly I've come around. The things that made me scared or nervous initially are still there - Bella seeing me sick and Evelyn feeling replaced - but I'm feeling more and more as though this is something to be enjoyed. Steve's sister, Stacey, had babies less than a year apart, and she assures me I'll be in full-on-joy-mode soon enough!

For me, it's been the little things, and this past weekend was one of those moments. We were walking through Babies 'R' Us, looking at double strollers (something I'm sure will come in handy with a newborn and 1-year old), and Steve picked up a little stuffed monster, and said, "This would be really cute in a boy's room."

Seriously, the little monster was adorable. And since Steve and I aren't really sports people, it would be perfect if we ended up having a boy. That was one of the moments that I started to be happy about this coming baby. And not just for the future cute baby gear, but thinking about what our family would be like, look like, etc.

How cute is this little guy??

So, we're getting there, and settling in to what life is going to look like soon. Hearing Steve talk about a boy has gotten me excited to think about the prospect of a having a boy, but I learned my lesson (horribly!) last time, so I'm trying very hard to keep any expectations in check!

Right now, I'm in the middle of fighting off tiredness and the beginning stages of nausea. Pregnancy hormones also do crazy things to my brain and emotions, so I'm trying to keep a grip on random sad moments or fear about things happening to this baby. (Stupid hormones!) Lots of extra prayer time lately and taking one day at a time! 

Little Squirt Is Ten Months Old!

Evelyn is sporting a new tooth on top, which for some reason, looks huge to me! I'm curious when it grows to see what happens. 

She loves pulling up on things and is getting into everything! Bella is constantly rescuing the bowl that our remotes go in before Evelyn pulls it off the coffee table and onto her head!

I'm getting excited about planning the girls' birthday parties coming up. I wasn't sure what I was going to do, but I had an epiphany while laying bed last night. (My epiphanies always come while I'm trying to fall asleep!)

We decided to have a combined party this year to keep life easier. At first, I was debating to just do a family affair, but ever since Bella had to miss her Valentine's party at school, she's been planning this one! I didn't have the heart to disappoint her!

Her requests included, "a pink party, a purple party, a blue party, a dark pink party, a dark purple party..."

Pictures of lil' bit coming soon! Maybe we can actually get a shot of her new tooth!

And Baby Makes...5.

Whew! This is NOT a post I thought I would be writing for quite a while.

Do you remember when I wrote that one of my New Year's goals was to get pregnant this year? In all honesty, in my mind, I simply put that down because I thought it  would be nice by the end of the year; as in, we wouldn't mind getting pregnant in November or December and have a baby sometime next Fall.

I thought it would just be nice to have it be a surprise this time instead of desperate joy. I wasn't actually anywhere close to even thinking about a baby!

God has an interesting sense of humor. 

After about two weeks at the end of January of feeling "off", I began to wonder...maybe...no way...

Our only experience with pregnancy has truly been one of waiting. And waiting. And waiting. I have peed on more sticks than I can count while trying to get pregnant with Bella and Evelyn. I have convinced myself that we were pregnant only to find out that we weren't. I have cried and prayed and waited.

Since Evelyn's birth, though, I have been firmly entrenched in "baby" mode. After ten months, I'm still loving my little baby. And when those lines turned positive, all I could think was, "I'm not ready. I don't want this yet. I'm not ready."

And.......I know. I know millions of women have babies close together. Sometimes much closer. Many times intentionally. I know babies are an incredible blessing and when the time comes (and much sooner), I'll be overjoyed. All I can say at this exact moment is, I'm not ready yet. And I'm trying to be okay with that feeling instead of feeling overwhelmingly guilty.

Steve, by the way, has been amazing! (The man's a rock!) I was strangely nervous to tell him because he's about to change jobs and I was nervous about stressing him out. But when I told him, he was borderline giddy. What is it about men that they feel a fantastic sense of pride in getting their woman pregnant? (Sorry, mom.) He was so happy, he was cracking me up.

And for the record, I'm getting more ready. By today, I've had about a week and a half to process. Our parents know. Our close family and a few friends know. And we've been to the doctor to confirm how far along I am. (Only about 5 weeks.) So yeah, little by little, I'm getting more excited. I'm sure that by the time we go "public" (you know, besides talking about it on the internet), I'll be even more ready.

So...much sooner than we thought, Baby #3 will be joining us around November 2nd. Steve would like this final baby to be a boy, but I can honestly say, I have no expectations at this moment. Knowing me, I'm sure that will change.

When one stick just isn't enough...and really, when is one stick ever enough?

I wrote "+1" on my belly and showed Steve. There are much cooler ways to share the news, but I am not the girl who will ever have enough patience for those ideas. Plus, I was trying to not cry over the initial shock, so simple seemed like the way to go.

Bella's "big sister" t-shirt that we put her in to tell our family that we were expecting Evelyn. We put it on Evelyn to tell Steve's sisters about Baby #3. It's so big on her!

Pray for some of my crazy fears. I'm nervous for Bella to see me go through morning sickness again so soon without thinking I'm dying. I'm nervous to have a barely-toddler who won't understand why Mama has a new baby. I'm nervous what the hormones and emotions will do to me while Steve is traveling for his new job. And sometime very soon, we will definitely need to start saving for a minivan.

"For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

“For My thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways My ways,” declares the Lord. Isaiah 55:8

"And my God will supply all your needs according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:19