Two Steps Back...

I'm a whirlwind of emotions. Is "whirlwind" the right word? I feel like I'm bipolar or schizophrenic, or whatever condition has random emotional swings.

 

I'm okay in this moment...and I'll never feel okay again.

 

I play and laugh...and I feel like my insides will never stop crying.

 

I stop crying. I calm down...and I remember why I was crying in the first place.

 

I am so thankful for my two beautiful girls...and I'm dying for the baby girl who will never be here.

 

My husband is a rock, but I know he's completely broken, too.

 

I'm tired of crying. I'm physically tired from crying. My head hurts. My throat hurts.

But the reason for crying doesn't go away. I left my baby at the hospital. And in a few days, her ashes will come home.

 

It's only been a week. How is that possible? It's only been a week.

Is this too depressing to say out loud? Saying it out loud makes me feel less crazy. I feel broken. 

 

I know that's absolutely normal. I listen to Steve. I believe him when he tells me that it's okay that we're not okay. That, even in five years, if we have a night like tonight, it will still be okay. But a night like tonight makes it hard for me to remember the Bible verses.

 

I just keep saying Deuteronomy 33:27 to myself. Over and over and over.

 

"...and underneath are the everlasting arms."

 

Lord, may it be true.