It's Not Over Yet...

Because this blog is a story for our family, I want to be honest. Even if it's about rough subjects, I try to write as though no one else is reading the words except me. That being said, this past weekend was a rough "baby" weekend.

 

One of the women in Mel's ministry is pregnant. The baby has Trisomy 18, which is the same condition we had originally thought Lily had. Mel and I have talked a lot about it in the last couple of days, and it's just been really emotional.

 

In the beginning, it was hard to think about what this woman would be going through when she was induced last Sunday, even more so, because she was having a full-term baby who the doctors had said wouldn't survive the week. The woman was induced on Sunday night; when Mel checked in with them, the baby was actually doing well. He's got a cleft palate and an extra finger, but his organs seem to be doing okay.

 

Despite the signs of hope, the doctors are still telling this woman that the baby won't survive. Can I be honest? When I found out that the baby seemed to be doing well, my first thought was, "It isn't fair." In my head, I absolutely know that God doesn't work that way. He doesn't have a red button, deciding who survives and who doesn't. And of course, I want any baby to thrive, but I couldn't escape the thought in my head, "Why not me? Why not our baby?" Unfortunately, there are no simple answers, and sometimes, there aren't any answers at all.

 

On top of the emotions at home, we went to a friend's baby shower on Saturday. This wonderful woman is due at the same time as we would have been. Instead of talking about the shower, I'll just say this...

 

It's really hard sometimes to find the balance between "it's all about me" and the little reminders about babies. Friends' baby showers, announcements at church about baby dedication...it can be overwhelming, and yet...it really isn't all about me. Deep breath...it can be draining just calming down the voices in my head! (Not actual voices; I haven't stepped into that cup of crazy just yet.)

 

I wish there was a less chaotic way of describing what's going on in my head, but it's not always straight to me either. There are days when I want to tell Steve about all of the little things that reminded me about having a baby that day; but then, I know that other people's joy is a wonderful thing, and I don't want to take away from that at all! Ugh.

 

So all of that to say, it's not over yet. Not every day has sad moments. It's just hard to describe our emotions on the days that do...