Baby Girl Came Home...With Answers

I picked up Lily's ashes today. I know it seems like going by myself makes me a glutton for punishment or a total martyr, but honestly, I just wanted it done. I wanted her to be home, and I knew Steve wanted that, too.

 

It was actually a really easy experience, logistically. I was only in the office for about 30 seconds and the woman offered to bring the box out to my car so that I didn't have to leave the girls alone, so it's not like I had to stand around a depressing, stifling funeral home for a long time.

 

 

The ashes came in just a simple, cardboard box since we had our own...container. A women's group from a local church knits blankets for the ashes of babies, which I thought was kind of sweet.

 

No matter what you know in your head, the reality of how small she was, and how that translated into such a small amount of ashes, always defies your expectations.

 

The vase on the piano that we chose for the ashes. I know there will be some days when it brings me comfort and some days when I want to stuff it behind the piano, but overall, we're glad and at peace to have her home once and for all.

 

I just liked seeing her name in writing. Even if it was for this purpose.

 

We got a call from the doctor yesterday morning with results from the baby's autopsy and genetic tests. The results showed something called Triploid Syndrome, or Triploidy, which means that every one of her chromosomes were tripled. It's extremely rare to have the chromosomal disorder where every single chromosome is tripled, rather than just one, like Downs Syndrome.

 

It was nice to have some answers and also to feel like it was such an abnormality that we didn't need to be scared to try for more babies. We will probably go ahead and do genetic testing on Steve and I before trying again, but at least we have some comfort in our heads about the whole thing.

Quick (But Beautiful!) Beach Trip

Our last full day in Florida was Monday, so we promised Bella we would spend some time at the beach. The water was insanely calm, and the girls loved being able to play without being worried about waves! Whitney will be so proud of me for figuring out my new photo collage app!

Cowboy Boots, Dirt, and Cool Whip

I'll write about Grandpa's memorial service at some point, but first, I had to include some quick, joyous moments with the girls! Not just Steve and I, the entire family has enjoyed the wonderful (sometimes exhausting) distraction that comes from having a four-year old and one-year old running around. They have brought me so many smiles this weekend!

 

 

On Thursday, my (amazing, crazy, sacrificial, incredible) friend Emily offered to take the girls for a huge chunk of the day while I "packed and cleaned" before we went to Florida. I promise, that was my plan. Instead of actually cleaning, I remembered that Steve had bought me a massage for Mother's Day that I had never used (yep, back in May), so I got to get a massage and then go get my hair done while Emily watched four kids. Bella got to tag along to Ally's ballet class where this amazing picture took place.

 

The ironic part of this picture is that I can so rarely get Bella to ever pose for pictures when I want her to, but of course, she posed perfectly for Emily while Em was going crazy that her daughter, Ally, wouldn't make eye contact with the camera. I still think Ally looks stinkin' adorable in her tutu and patent leath shoes. And look at her little ballet bag with polka dots on it!

 

 

The girls with Miss Lisa. Lisa gives them little stick-on earrings and sprays purple glitter in their hair so it's "fancy". How cute is that! And one last P.S. I think Bella may have her cowboy boots on the wrong feet. We are a stylin' family!

 

When Steve's parents were here last week, we let Evelyn play in one of my potted plants and may have forgotten about her briefly. And then this happened...she looks like one of Shrek's offspring. 

 There's really no reason to put two pictures, except that her little lips are puckered and she looks adorable. I'm loving the pigtails, even when they're uneven!

 

At Papa and Mimi's this weekend, Bella experienced the joy of having Cool Whip sprayed directly into your mouth. It's a good day for everyone!

 

I just had to remember these cute little moments that have happend during the last week. Details of Grandpa's memorial service coming soon!



Grief Comes And Goes

We got a call last night from my Dad that my Grandpa had passed away. Grandpa (my mom's dad) has been sick for awhile, with the cancer spreading all through his body. We knew he hadn't been doing well, but in the end, everything happened very quickly. He was only moved into hospice a week ago, and the oncologist said there was nothing more she could do.

 

I wish I could say that my sadness was mostly due to missing my grandfather, but honestly, the talks of death and hospitals just made me remember Lily. Talking with my parents about Grandpa in the hospital and how his breathing was shallow and they didn't know if he could hear them...it just makes my chest feel tighter.

 

I told Steve last night that I didn't want to just lay there and cry for ten minutes, but that didn't work. He let me cry anyway and then turned on Friends re-runs. He's a good man.

 

We're driving down on Friday morning to be there with my parents and my Grandma. I think the memorial service is going to be on Saturday so that my Grandpa's family can be there. I'm not sure how Steve and I are going to do at a funeral, but I'm trying really hard to remind myself that this weekend isn't about me; it's about Grandma and my Mom, and being able to remember the good things about my Grandpa.

 

Pray for us this weekend! Based on our emotions after a few phone calls, I think it's going to be an emotional experience!

 



Evelyn Is Walking!

We've had little moments of a few stumbled steps in a row, but we're calling Sunday, September 1, 2013, as Evelyn's "First Official Steps"! The little human is 16 months old, so it's about time. In the spirit of full disclosure, I should add that after the triumphant afternoon that we captured on film, she's decided not to walk at all today. Stubborn babies are swell, aren't they?

 

Grandma took a few pictures and I got a short video. We'll see if it loads okay...

 

 

You can't really tell that she's doing anything besides standing still, but she's walking all by herself! She seems to do better with something in her hands...

 

 

You'll have to excuse my "Proud Mama" voice; it gets higher and higher, the farther she walks!

 

 



Today Was A Good Day

This weekend had some wonderful "good" days, all in a row. Steve and I got to run out a few times on our own, Dad finished some much-needed projects around the house, and Mom got in some good play time with Bella and Evelyn. It was a relaxing, calm weekend after Thursday and Friday were rough emotionally. God has been good. (I know He's still good, even when the days are rough, but I'm thankful that He's given us good days lately, too!)

Little Squirt, playing the piano

Crashing all together and watching some PBS on our phones.

We decided on a whim last night to bake a chocolate cake with homemade icing. Bella was a great help and it was delicious!

We've started torturing Evelyn by putting her in pigtails. It's just so cute, I can't resist!

 

Our family at Taqueria Tsunami on the Square...it's becoming a family favorite!

Daddy and Evelyn at the Art Fair

Bella playing with the train bell

At the fountain with Grandma and Grandpa.

After naps, Grandma and Grandpa took the girls to the playground in our subdivision and we went shopping!

Playing in the sand...

We came home early and hijacked playtime! 

 

Evelyn and I on the swing. This may be my new favorite picture...I love her little face.



Two Steps Back...

I'm a whirlwind of emotions. Is "whirlwind" the right word? I feel like I'm bipolar or schizophrenic, or whatever condition has random emotional swings.

 

I'm okay in this moment...and I'll never feel okay again.

 

I play and laugh...and I feel like my insides will never stop crying.

 

I stop crying. I calm down...and I remember why I was crying in the first place.

 

I am so thankful for my two beautiful girls...and I'm dying for the baby girl who will never be here.

 

My husband is a rock, but I know he's completely broken, too.

 

I'm tired of crying. I'm physically tired from crying. My head hurts. My throat hurts.

But the reason for crying doesn't go away. I left my baby at the hospital. And in a few days, her ashes will come home.

 

It's only been a week. How is that possible? It's only been a week.

Is this too depressing to say out loud? Saying it out loud makes me feel less crazy. I feel broken. 

 

I know that's absolutely normal. I listen to Steve. I believe him when he tells me that it's okay that we're not okay. That, even in five years, if we have a night like tonight, it will still be okay. But a night like tonight makes it hard for me to remember the Bible verses.

 

I just keep saying Deuteronomy 33:27 to myself. Over and over and over.

 

"...and underneath are the everlasting arms."

 

Lord, may it be true.